How To Look And Feel Like A New Yorker And Not A Tourist

Part Four: On Nomenclature and the Pronunciation Thereof

New York thrives on exclusivity. New Yorkers, in fact, make it their personal unspoken business to make it nearly impossible for outsiders (i.e. Tourists, Midwesterners, Country Music fans) to assimilate. We prefer to let them flounder with their fanny packs and fanciful glances at the height of buildings rather than give them the necessary directions to begin down the long and arduous road of indigenization.

You see, for the New Yorker, the more ways to demarcate insiders from outsiders, the better. And a particularly effective (and pleasant) mode of demarcation is this: the complete deconstruction of the Tourist’s intuition and reliance on past experience when it comes to the naming of things and the pronunciation of such names. For example, the Tourist reads the street sign “Houston” and ignorantly assumes that his knowledge of the prominent Texan city has given him the necessary background information to pronounce the street’s name correctly. In fact, “Houston Street” is pronounced HOWston, and not HEWston.

“Excuse me, sir” the Tourist asks with confidence, “Which direction is HEWston Street?”

Possible responses to his question, as a New Yorker:

The false humility response: “HEWston Street? I’m sorry but I’m not familiar with that street. Perhaps my knowledge of the city isn’t what it used to be.”

The I’m gonna have a little fun with this Tourist response: “I don’t know of a HEWston Street here in Manhattan. Are you perhaps looking for HOWston Street?” The Tourist will invariably assure you that in fact he is looking for ‘Hewston’ street, in which case you slyly ask him to spell it. Waiting for the Tourist to spell it all the way out: H-O-U-S-T-O-N, you flatly respond, “Yeah. It’s pronounced HOWston.”

The more direct, ‘I’m a New Yorker so I don’t care about you’ response: “HEWston Street doesn’t exist.”

The even more direct response, in three simple steps: Step 1) Draw umbrella. Step 2) Strike Tourist on the upper arm. Step 3) Feel no remorse; the Tourist deserved it.

Another important matter: The trains must be referred to by their number or letter, and not ever by their color. You will be tempted, upon first arriving in the city, to ask someone how to get to the Red Train. Don’t do that. There is no Red Train. What you are really looking for is a One Train, a Two Train, or a Three Train, which all happen to be red on the map. The One Train, you see, is the local train, whereas the Two and Three Trains run along the same line but make only express stops. Yes, it’s confusing, but do you want to be a New Yorker or not? Such is the long road, or track rather, to indigenization.

The purist and noblest form of Subway nomenclature, however, is to refer to trains not by their number or letter, but by the avenues under which they run. The Four, Five, and Six trains, for example, run along Lexington Avenue in Manhattan. So you may, of course, refer to any of those trains by their number, but if you want to really prove your Indigenization, consider occasionally referring to the Six train as the “Lexington Local,” or the Four and Five trains as the “Lexington Express.” Be careful though: such nomenclature should be used sparingly as it potentially comes off as pretentious. And don’t get cute with any rhymey nicknames like the “Lex Express.”

Two Quick, Final Pointers:
1. A New Yorker travels “Uptown,” “Downtown,” or “Crosstown,” not “north,” “south,” “east,” or “west.”
2. You ought to call Manhattan “The City” as if it is the only city in the world. This works particularly well when speaking with folks from the township of Chicago, or the village of Los Angeles, or other such lesser municipalities.